a5c7b9f00b The California coast is terrorized by two enormous prehistoric sea creaturesthey battle each other for supremacy of the sea.
A huge iceberg calves that holds a megalodon (mega shark) and a giant octopus frozen inside it. Deployment of a LFAS (low frequency automatic sonar) unit causes it to shatter. The two behemoths thaw and return to life. The shark terrorizes the California coast while the octopus creates havoc things near Japan. A group of three oceanographers put together a plan to draw the beasts into a trap with pheromones.
I love the classics. The philosophical depth and artistry of films like Kurosawa's "Rashômon" and Orson Welles' "The Trial" or modern masterpieces like Kaufman's "Synecdoche NY" and Tarr's "Werckmeister Harmoniak" are magical, humbling reminders that art is not confined to the Louvre. That said, when I came across the title "Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus", I realized that I must not only watch it, I must own it in all its HD Blu-ray glory. Call it a crazy hunch, but I bought this one without knowing a thing about it except for its mega bad title.<br/><br/>Before I even get to my review, let's pause to consider the title. "Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus." No, this isn't some poor translation from Japanese to English. Apparently an English speaking person sat down, pen in hand, and crafted this title, carefully considering the many clever possibilities that Shakespeare's native tongue has to offer, and then in a flash of poetic inspiration, vomited forth the epic utterance: "Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus".<br/><br/>The "Mega Shark" part is interesting enough, at least to my 5-year-old nephew who plays with his own boogers. But I guess our poet expended every brain cell coming up with the 1st half of the title because poor old "giant octopus" doesn't exactly have a cool name or presence. Oh well, I guess every Hall has his Oates.<br/><br/>But back to the title… how awesome is Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus. And it gets better. For Pete's sake, there's a spoiler in the title of the movie hahaha! It's supposed to be a big surprise when the characters realize that the two monsters have to fight each other. Really??? :facepalm:<br/><br/>So why aren't you scrambling for your credit card to buy this already? The title isn't good enough for you? OK then let me give you a little extra push over the cliff. Everything you've heard about this movie is true. The plot is thinner and more transparent than the radial canals on an Aequorea forskalea (that means the ribs on a jellyfish, to those of you who aren't oceanographers… and clearly the writers & actors of this movie are not). The acting is oftenwoodena Roy Rogers wagon wheel, the sets are probably leftovers from Gomer Pyle, and I've seen better special effects on those Geico lizard commercials.<br/><br/>BUT…! it's deliberate! This movie, my friends, is one of the most brilliant satires since Stanley Kubrick's "Dr. Strangelove". Yes, we're supposed to notice that the US destroyer and the Japanese sub are the same movie set, except with different colored lights and a periscope stuck in the middle of the "Japanese sub". Yes, we're supposed to notice that the ponytail-sporting Navy commander (the great Lorenzo Lamas in a most hilarious role) has all the brains & cooth of an unwashed turnip, and yet he seems to have more authority than the president of the USA. Yes, we're supposed to notice the destroyer using deck guns to shoot at undersea targets lol. And yes, we're supposed to notice that these beasts can travel at 500 knots (roughly the speed of the Space Shuttle 1 min into launch) but they can't seem to catch up to a single-propeller minisub. We're supposed to notice all of these things because that's what satires do. They present us with absurd situations that we're supposed to laugh at quietly. Or not so quietly.<br/><br/>So what is this film satirizing? Whom are they making fun of? Well for starters, the US government is mercilessly skewered. In particular, commanding officers of various military branches are lampooned within an inch of their lives. Always shownbrick-jawed, arrogant, "kill em first, sort out the body parts later" kinda people, these villains are more cartoonishly hilarious than anything out of the pages of Dick Tracy. Lorenzo Lamas truly delivers, playing a callous, lying, hateful, racist, megalomaniac whom you just gotta love because he's so offensive. We have also the "suits" (who are never quite explained) and the various business execs who appear just long enough to say classic lines such"We have customs in America, too. So they urinated on a Japanese worker, you've never been to a frat party?"<br/><br/>I don't even know what that means but it's bloody hilarious!<br/><br/>Debbie Gibson (yes, the 80s pop star) plays an intelligent yet impetuous marine explorer who is fired for trying to save a bunch of whales from an illegal sonar device. Sean Lawlor plays the professor who was fired from the Navy for crashing a nuclear sub to avoid hitting a dolphin. And Vic Chao plays the guy who forsakes his ancestral trade of fishing because he says "too much death". You might notice that the recurring theme is one of conservation & activism. But you don't have to be a tree-hugger (whale-hugger?) to connect with these people who are simply fighting for what's right. The villains in this movie aren't the undersea beasties; the villains are the generals, executives and suits who always manage to muck up everything about our our planet.<br/><br/>Hope I didn't scare anyone off with that last serious bit, but I think it deserves emphasis because it's the whole backbone of this seemingly vapid monster flick. If I did scare you off, hurry back or you'll miss two of the simply awesomest moments in monster movie history. Shark vs. Golden Gate Bridge and Shark vs. Boeing Airliner (hahaha yes, while it's flying).<br/><br/>In a nutshell, this movie is a colossally bad monster flick. But it's a colossally awesome satire with some really fun action. Definitely heading for cult status.<br/><br/>Mega shark vs. giant octopus. You know you want to watch it. Mega shark vs. giant octopus. You cannot resist. Mega shark vs. giant octopus. Oh come on, you can't possibly go to your grave knowing you never saw Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus!!!
This is probably the first time I've witnessed a movie made by the Asylum, one of the lowest rated movie companies ever. I thought initially that this was something made by the Syfy Channel. I guess I got it mixed up with "Sharknado". No matter how you look at it, this is lame too. I guess I'm not giving it a lower rating simply because it's apparently notbadother films they made. You'd think a movie with this title would feature these guys fighting a lot. Instead, I think they have less than two whole minutes of fighting.<br/><br/>I mean, I knew that was going to happen. In any cheesy sci-fi movie with bad CGI, you know it's going to be like that. Most of this film is talking with little mega shark or giant octopus. I guess it does in fact have a plot but it matters little. I knew from the start that those two scientists were going to be romantic interests. Evensomeone who loves romance, I knew that was forced. This is full of bad special effects and it's completely boring. *1/2


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